One thing that I have learned in life is that many may claim to be one thing yet in reality they are not.
Seeing as how this was the way of life I learned to always keep up the appearances everything was perfect even at times when I was not. To show others that I was a man on top of the world even when I was struggling and to never let anyone see me when I wasn’t at my best. My name is Ricardo Petitfond and for a period of time I was a former disciple for over 7 years. I say former because like I said before, I’m 100 to myself and I know the difference between a follower of Christ and a believer of Christ. I once was a follower.
As the son of a pastor I always knew that I needed a relationship with GOD. It was the step that I was supposed to take and the path I was meant to follow based on my upbringing. It took life-changing events to bring me to the Lord back then and even though I felt as if I had found my way, I know that I am lost still
My journey begins about 10 years ago. My life was simple, no deep story. I was just a kid in the world chasing worldly pleasures of fast money, flash and women. I’m not even sure; I would have considered myself a true man at that stage. My days were focused on how to get the things I want. My approach was “You first get the money and the women will come”. It was as simple as that. Basic math and I was ok at it.
Even though I lived life in the fast lane, I knew better. Being the son of a pastor and growing in church most of my life I always felt I should have Christ in my life.
So I somewhat decided to give my life to Christ. I decided to “try out” the lord and failed miserably. I was a part time living a double life Christian
I made the decision that I wanted to be a disciple and get baptized. I was baptized May 28,2007. There was this joy and happiness that washed over me. I honestly felt that it couldn’t get any better. However, I was a partial Christian so this feeling of happiness and euphoria couldn’t last. I did worse and sinned more in my first 2 years of my discipleship than how I was in the world. During that time, I slept with more women, hustled and made money that God would not approve of. The comprehension of God’s grace was above me. I couldn’t understand and frankly didn’t care. I continued to live the life that the bible had instructed me not to follow
Sex was and continues to be my vice so it was no bother to me. Drugs and alcohol didn’t really do it for me like sex does. Every time I went to church I put on the act and Sunday night and during the week, I was with a different girl. My life of hypocrisy was in full effect. I was so flawed that I convinced my girlfriend to get baptized while we continued to sin together. Yup, that’s who I was and who I struggle everyday not to be. At the end of the day I only cared about myself. My selfishness cost me the woman that I was supposed to marry. I couldn’t be the man she needed. I let her go because I wanted to have it all. I now live with the fact that she married someone who gave her everything I was too self-centered to provide
The loss of the love of my life didn’t change my ways. I continued to live Christianity on my own terms. 2 years passed and I came to a halt.
Something was bothering me. I went to church and I felt weird. It was like a loud ringing that you want to stop but can’t find it to turn off. I know now it was my conscious; or spirit begging me to do the ring thing. The more I read the word the more I knew I couldn’t hide how I was living. For a good month or two, I fought the ringing and tried to ignore it. However the sins had piled up more than I could bear. I felt numb. I simply couldn’t take it anymore. My part time Christianity had gotten the best of me. I confessed, everything! I confessed to it all, the women, to the money, the lies; EVERYTHING. I just couldn’t mentally take it anymore. Afterwards the tears flowed and I cried. It finally hit that I was a FRAUD. There was no other way to describe how I was. Knowing that I was nothing more than a fraud showed me how ugly I really was.
From every breakdown comes a breakthrough and the tears that I cried were at my breaking point. I was ready for a change. I went through a healing process. God provided me with a council of accountability. I met a group of trustworthy brothers that really helped me to see who I was and how to really repent. God equipped me with the people to help me on my journey to encourage me through the fall and to help me with humility. That period of my life was truly rough. It was life change that was like no other. Constantly confessing, praying, talking, reading, yet I really wanted it. I was convinced that I was given a second chance.
I had never realized until that moment had God’s grace still covered me during my “part-time” Christian days. Consider the fact that I didn’t catch a disease or have a child. Not to mention I dodged a bullet when the Feds rushed a location I used to do business in. At the time, I believed the only reason I wasn’t there is because I woke up feeling tired and decided to stay home. Looking back on it, I know that it was God
Getting back into my faith was a journey. I had to learn how to let the easy, wrong and fast things go. Letting the quick cash go was one of them. Going broke is one of the things that hurt the most to go through. It was painful not because of the loss of money but it was a crack in my façade. I wasn’t the man that had it all together. I had nothing, for me someone who had their self worth tied directly to possessions; I was by my standards a bum. I had to depend on my spiritual brothers for aid. They moved me into their household, fed me, and helped me financially and spiritually. I made the decision to go back to school and my brothers would provide bus fare for me to catch the bus. The level of love that was shown to me was unreal. My immediate family loved me yet this was another type of love. Brotherly love. They were genuine, never throwing their actions in my face. I learned so much from them & looked up to them and we became family.
Those guys were inspirational and made me want to become a great man of God. It was like a recipe that had to be carefully followed to get the food right. I went from part time Christian to full- time believer. When it came to the word I studied it, questioned, and analyzed it to be sure it was true. The bible and God’s teaching nurtured and matured me. It would be the exciting part of my day. The more the good book was opened, the more I felt the power it had over me to become great. My attitude changed. Mental maturity grew. My view of the world was renewed. For the next 6 years, my life would continue to show more and more my love for God and his people.
Year 6 comes and starts to feel a spiritual burn out. I believe a portion of that had to do with my new profession. I got a job driving a cab, which would be one of my reasons for leaving God. I went from surrounding myself with people who were about the lord to hanging with those who were seeking out sin. When people come to Miami, you would think it’s just to party a bit, go to the beach and relax… PLEASE. This is the capital for orgies, drugs, and “get lit”, from married women to married men. This is the city to do everything you wouldn’t do back home. After a while it changed my view on women. Though my respect and chivalry for women were incredibly high. Seeing what is happening on South Beach each weekend tainted that. Slowly but surely I went from talking to people about God (which was a perfect position being everyone’s friend the cab driver) to borderline flirting with clients, then it happens… I fall in sin with a beautiful young lady who claims to be a Christian too and as I am undressing her, see that she has scripture tattooed on her leg. I later confessed and got help to heal from that.
A few months go by and I read 1Peter 5:7 and it hit me. All the things I did make me realize how much God hurt from my sin. Never have so many tears flowed from eyes. I thought about the people that were hurt by my actions. My ex who would have made a great wife. Yet because I didn’t lead her to get closer to Christ ended up leaving. The tears got heavier because it was then it dawned on me that it was my fault she left. I CRIED AND CRIED AND CRIED. The shame of my actions made me feel so low, yet there was no doubt that God loved me and forgave me. I just couldn’t forgive myself. Instead of dealing with the hurt, I went with worldly sorry and met a young woman who I knew in my heart I shouldn’t have dated. Yet against everything in me I dated her and slept with her. Its never one choice that can damage your relationship with God. It’s a series of decisions that lead up to the sin. By then the word became a side chick to this woman. It would be a devastating mistake. 3 month into the relationship, God became non-existent though I was still going to church and talking about God with her. We broke up and I immediately went back to sleeping around. It has been about 2 years.
I am lost. I know that I have strayed from God and my path but I don’t know how to find my way. In my heart and mind I want to come back to God, He loves me. Can’t pinpoint how I got here, yet I know this is not home. I sometimes feel as if the world has corrupted me beyond measure. The blame falls on me. The malice and carelessness of the world has corrupted my thinking. I pray and beg for God to save me. Everyday is the day I’m hoping not to die. Dreams of me coming home to God still bring tears while I sleep. The choices that I have made leave me back in the world and without a relationship from God. That was a crappy deal.
A relationship that doesn’t truly follow God is not worth it, the sin I chose is not worth it. Only God is worth it. The only advice I have as a current lost soul is DRAW CLOSER TO GOD AND DON’T GIVE UP FIGHTING TO BE RIGHTEOUS!
Post by Ricardo P.