Resisting the urge to be extremely lazy today, I put on my running sneakers to go for a run. It is just too beautiful outside to pass up the opportunity. You may be wondering, “What does running have to do with self-love?” Just stick with me, I promise, I’m getting there. Lol. Just around the corner from my home, there is really beautiful park. The minute my Nike running sneakers touches the track, I plugged my ear-phones into my ears and select Wiz Khalifa’s “Work Hard Play Hard” on iTunes. Then my jog begins. Before I could make my second lap around the track, a ton of emotions, in full swing, began pouring in. These emotions were so familiar, taking me back to my very first heartbreak.
Now, I do not have any idea why the worst emotions always present themselves to me when I’m running. It is as if those emotions are rising to the top like the dough of the delicious cakes I bake. Which is the very reason I need to run. My first heartbreak came at the hands of the man who I loved more than anything in this world. He was my sky and I was his star; my daddy. Unfortunately, my dad had other stars in his sky that had nothing to do with our family. His stars came in the form of rocks. My star began fading as the other rocks’ light shined brighter for him. Eventually, somewhere along the line, he forgot that he placed me in his sky. My dad had such a dangerous addiction that it faded the lines between family and trust, wrong and right, and abuse and love. I quickly realized that my dad was far from perfect and nothing could compare to the love he had for his new star. At the age of 14, he abused me for a week, plotting on exactly how he could execute his plan. This is the moment where my identity with my love of self was shattered. I began thinking that the only way that I could be loved was through a physical action of being with a man. From that moment, I got in the unhealthiest relationship for protection because I needed someone to lean on. I needed an ear to hear me. I wanted protection so that no would ever hurt me again but in this relationship, I did not know who I was. All that I knew was that I was angry all the time and angry at the world.
Fast forward 10 years, I had just given birth to my 4th daughter. I was left broken hearted and I was in one of the worst depressions I had ever faced. I was in a relationship where I thought that I had fixed my anger issues. I thought that if I had done everything that he wanted, that he and I would work out. However, not even an engagement ring, a wedding dress, or new born baby could change our relationship. This left me feeling worthless, unlovable, and undeserving of love. To make matters worse, around this same time, my favorite person in the world passed away. My brother reached out to me. He wanted to put me in contact with some women in his life that attended a church he went to.
For the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely loved by the women my brother introduced me to. I thought to myself, “Why did I not meet these people sooner?” They loved on me as if they knew me forever. My insecurities disguised as a beautiful young woman soon came back up. The need to feel “loved” again arose and the way that I knew “love” was through physical contact. So I left the church and tried to find my own way. I had not noticed that doing things my own way just kept me going in circles. After I realized that if I did not get it myself together soon that I would probably end up in a situation regretting every decision I made to get there. I really needed to evaluate the root of my issues. My issues had all started with my father. I had to forgive him and most importantly, I had to forgive myself. Forgiving myself meant, forgiving myself for the self-blaming and for the feeling that all so familiar that, “No good man is going to want me.” I started with positive affirmations every morning. It was the first thing I would do when woke up. Meditation help me whenever I felt super emotional. I, now, actually acknowledge, accept, and move past the emotions that can hinder me.
As women, we tend to look in other places, outside of ourselves for answers or some kind of savior when it comes to men. If we are not careful, we could automatically go into thinking that we have to please or be with a man in order to be happy whether it is from a lack of money, love or security. We can love ourselves, be secure, and financially stabled. We do all of this before setting any expectations for men.
I hope this wasn’t too long for you to read I just wanted you to understand where I came from. To understand who I am now. I work everyday on my happiness and self love, and I wish nothing but love peace and acceptance of oneself for my sisters.
Peace x blessing Mo
Blog written by Cherelle E.